You too? October 3, 2012

There is nothing romantic about artificial insemination: clinical and planned it what it is. Yet, maybe because of it, it also produces scenes that are new, sometimes awkward and sometimes funny. I call the clinic when my ovulation test is positive. I then discuss a moment during that day to be there and have the insemination. During classes is a “no” but practically any other time is possible.

Today was one of those days. In the midst of appointments I ran away from work to cycle up to the clinic. I bike though it is taking 40 minutes and it was pouring rain. It makes me quiet and relaxt….

 

Upon arriving in the clinic, like most times, there was someone else waiting to be inseminated. I couldn’t  stop looking at the person and figuring out her story; what brought her here? Does she have a partner and where is (s)he? Does she know who is the person she gets the genes inseminated from? And it made me smile too: she is here with dreams and hopes that this time it will work. Just like me….We didn’t speak but there was bonding going on…in silence….I liked it.

It biked back to the office right after. The device with semen stays in for 5 hours and although the semen cannot get out (there is a “lid” on it) it does not necessarily go up after sitting on a bike for half hour. Back in the office I decided to do the leg-up-in-the-air- trick….right in my office, door closed and hoping no-one came in. Doing yoga breathing I was really hoping that my students would pass my door today. Telling a dear colleague later, made us both laugh. She decided to join me next time.

Because of the rushing and the clinical part of the AI, and you kind of squeeze it in in a day, it runs the risk of just another thing in a day and it should not be. That is why I really really appreciate the assistant at the clinic how always puts attention to the moment “here it is and here it goes and give it some good vibes”.

Fingers crossed.

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To date or not….? September 22, 2012

Everybody is entitled to wishes and dreams but no one to the realization of these. I find that a comforting and confronting thought.It is a confronting thought as it makes clear that I may not get pregnant and this whole dream of having a baby and be a mother may not come true. It is comforting as it means I can only do so much…the rest is to be left up “to the gods”. I think I am doing what I can and trust that everything will work out in the end, one way or the other. It is also comforting as it makes clear to me that I have to live my life, doing the things I find valuable….

And dating is part of that…I am pretty independent and enjoying my life and the things I do but I do miss intimacy and some special attention. First, I thought I would stay away from dating while trying to get pregnant but I am shifting a bit to actually doing dates. It is a bit complicated but I trust I will work it out. I don’t tell a first date but will a second and take it from there…….never a dull moment……

Que sera sera…it has started

Yes, we have started!! After all the thinking, talking and “organizing”, we are en route. I have learnt to let go of the focus on the future and actually having a baby but instead cherish the fact that I am trying. To try having a baby was what I really wanted and why I made choices and took steps. And it was worth it, no matter what will happen and whether this will work or not, or how painful steps have been.

I am happy to be en route and try to take things as they come but it is not always easy to do so. It is quite a bit of organizing: taking temperature every day, deciding when to start with the ovulation test, calling the number when I am “ready”, and planning to go to the clinic on the scheduled time and get it done.  Believe me, having sex is generally much more fun although I really do appreciate the care and attention given to me in the clinic.

I also means planning and predicting and looking ahead. Much more than I had expected and actually makes me feel a bit restless. Also, think go very different from how you plan it. To give an update. My first try DIY was cancelled at the last minute because a medical test result was lost; then all of a sudden my rhythm changed (three months in a row!) and I was positive on a Sunday when the clinic is closed; also I thought I planned by holiday trip well in terms of the tries but because of the rhythm change I was back too late by a day; than I wanted to travel to the donor again for a try but I had to cancel that again because of the timing…pfff…So I decided to let as much unrest go as possible: no DIY trips and no planning around possible days. I plan my life and if I see conflicts coming up, they will be solved. Pff, what a relief, back in old rhythm immediately and enjoying the days as they come…..

Two tries have passed, getting ready for number three!

 

Dealing with the crowds June 16, 2012

I tend to be quite open about the process and trajectory I am in. I respond to questions and share experiences, plans and choices from people and hardly distinguish between inner and outer circles. Sometimes I hear myself talking about ovulation tests with my hairdresser and I wonder why I do that. Part of it has to do with searching for support and approval. Very relevant, particularly in early stages but considering the overwhelming support I do get, not really a big deal now. Part of it is creating awareness and understanding for choices and processes of choice-making that lots of women (and men !) go through. This blog has that role but my irregular writing and anonymity of the blog allow for other communication channels. Part of it is a pattern that developed last fall when I broke up with the man, shared the broken heart and the reasons why. Anyhow, trying to reduce some of the chitchat about ultimately private matters. One of the results of this sharing is that people ask “so, how you are going to do that, technically?”. From close friends, I don’t mind but from others I think: how about Google?

Despite the fact that I don’t ask pregnant people about the details of how they managed to conceive and I do think it is an impertinent question, I do answer this question when I get it and it definitely belongs in this blog. Basically there are two routes to take: you do self-insemination with “fresh” semen at home or you are being inseminated in a clinic with frozen semen. The latter is the trajectory one follows with an anonymous donor from a ‘spermbank’. Self insemeniation is the preferred method when working with a known donor. However, because the donor and me live 4hrs from each other, we will combine. The clinic when we cannot meet and DIY when we can.

I have come to realize that having a clinic willing to support us in this route is really a luxury. Most of it is even funded by my medical insurance. It does come with steps, protocols and procedures which test my patience but ultimately it is really a very supportive institution. We nearing completion of al the procedures and steps and the lights are green……

Mr Right is here…I think April 1, 2012

This is an exciting blog to write. It seems I have found mr Right. No new big love but someone who wants to be donor, or actually: donor PLUS as he also wants to play a role in the baby’s life! That will be a role at a distance as he is living a 4 hr trip away, yet SKYPE and holidays create more than enough options. He was my favorite candidate and I am so happy he answered with a YES to my question.

At first he was shocked and surprised but after some time he has started to like it more and more and now he is totally into it. We have met twice to talk about it and that has been wonderful: it is a great change to talk about having a baby with someone WHO LIKES it! We are giving the project a name now…

He is part of my extended family (but we are zero related) and as such we do set at family events during the year. That is a great advantage but sets some conditions too: there is no ‘not knowing’ here or only us knowing. The family will know. Some already do…and…they share our happiness! My 75 year old godmother called me Yesterday to tell me she shed tears of joy when she heard it! She had respected my choice when I first told her I was going to it on my own but she had had worries> all gone now and she just told me not be bothered by what other people thing or say (and for those of you knowing her:her telling that means she has come from far!).

We still have a million things to discuss and decide: practical, legal and social. I was ahead of him in many of these things but he seems to catch up with me quickly….soon more to tell about what, when, how and why.

 

A medical track

When I was traveling last month I had a great Sunday morning breakfast with friends. One of them, some two years younger than I am, feels herself in my position but wants to give herself time to see if mr Right shows up before getting on the doing-it-yourself track. At a certain moment she asked me whether 37 had been my cut-off point as that birthday was my moment of departure, cause she felt she wanted to give herself till 38. I told her that I never told myself 37 was the moment, which is true. It had become MY cut-off point as I felt I had come to a standstill and that if I was not leaving my relation NOW, I would be in for another year of this……and two and I did not want that. However, in retrospective, I think 37 is a good time.

It may still be too late (I will not know until…) but according to the medics it may be late but just in time. Reading through websites on anonymous donors, ivf, IUI etc. you quickly learn that being below 40 or above 40 makes a world of difference. Things take time! I had a general idea about my plan when I departed and I have the feeling I have been moving on rather quickly but still I may be close to 38 when we start and if things work out I will most likely be 39 having a first child. So, 37 is nothing too soon.

I have a history of medical gynecological issues which have been solved but still make be higher-risk patients. Higher risk in terms of experiencing problems getting pregnant. When I was having those medical issues, I never thought I would live the normal life I have now and I am enjoying every single fibroid-free day. It also stopped me to take being able to get pregnant for granted. Off course, I really would be disappointed if it would not be possible and I believe I will have a baby but it is just to make clear that I do understand limitations and the uniqueness of being able to have babies. One advantage of my medical history is that I have a great gynecologist. For those knowing the Dutch medical system: it is hard to get to a medical specialist as one needs a  formal reference from a general practitioner. For getting pregnant the common approach is that one has to try for a year before getting a reference to see a gyn. My gyn is great because I can talk to him. I used a regular check-up to tell him my situation, what I wanted and asked him to tell me my options, what waiting lists to get on and for his advice: what to do. His first suggestion was to have minor sugary to examine my condition and to see if everything is working as it should: condition of the ovaries (yes, they are dancing!), tubes (clear) and whether I had major tissue complicating stuff (no!). Hence I had surgery in January and was told that based on what was seen, I should be able to get pregnant naturally. No guarantees in life but this was really really the best news possible!

 

On track….!

It has been quite a while: almost three months of silence. I can’t belief the pace time is flying at! However, I have not been waiting quietly for things to happen either. In February and early March I travelled the world. A proper get-away from stuff…work, winter,daily routines and big changes. However, before leaving on my trip,  steps on the route, followed one another quickly. There were medical steps and donor-finding steps. I will discuss them into two separate blogs, following this one. When late January came I noticed I was getting things back from the talks and emails that I had had and sent. Things seemed to get into motion, people were responding and I was finally moving instead of being at a stand still. What’s more, sharing ideas and questions and doubts with people also meant that I got so much love and support back. Nothing of the “are you sure? you have no idea what you are getting yourself into!”- talk (all fair but believe me, I do tell myself such things more often than necessary) or of the “you are doing a child very much harm” (well, that is maybe the type of people around me), I was dreading but talks full of understanding, offers for baby-sitting (wrote them down) and even people who thought i had real balls doing this and they were proud! That is a hot tub, people, and it makes the world of singles wanting baby’s look very different.

Today, April 1st I can really say I am doing better. Yes, there are still serious dips but they are broken-heart related mostly: no overall depressions. I am excited mostly about projects being on the role and new things happening!

Finding Mr Right January 14, 2012

So, I need Mr Right. Right in the sense that he wants to be donor ….As I wrote before, that raises a million questions I never thought about before and don’t have answers to immediately. Talking and chatting though generates answers, each time so any chat is valuable. What are the option? The first, most obvious option would be a donor via a sperm bank. In The Netherlands that is no longer anonymous as every child had the right to know the identity of his/her father from the each of 16 (I believe). Not my first choice as I really want my child to be able to know who its father is at any age, not from 16. What’s more, there are considerable waiting lists of more than a year as donors have become scarce precisely because most prefer anonymity. Advantage is the medical guarantees of donors. Alternatively on websites such as BamMam potential donors offer themselves. That offers opportunities but there are not medical checks here. As a start I prefer someone I know or who my closest know and who wants to make himself known at any time I or my child thinks that is necessary. It feels good though it is complex as well….what role can/wants/should this man play in our lives?  Am I going to raise a child with this person at least to some extent? “Yes”, I say if that person is close to me but “no” to someone I hardly know. But there is lots of grey in between to be filled by both of us and through time and practice. I am currently talking with two people close by me to see if and what options are available. Yet, I have also approached good friends to see whether they know people who might be interested. Two digged up a few options and called me about them, confused as to what their role was? Good question…probably just to link me to these people and have us sorting out what options are.

As I said, each talk generates questions and answers and is very valuable in its own right. So I am looking  forward to meeting these potentials…yes, probably awkward at times but nice, interesting and exciting to. So far, I have really learnt to trust my instincts so….bring it on!

Step by step January 9, 2012

When I decided to leave my partner, I knew I was not going to wait for a new love to have children with. Yes, I would love to have a child with someone I love and to be able to share the anxiety, joy, worries and caring. However, I don’t believe it is a very realistic option. I am still mourning over the loss of love and not ready for a new partner, I need a break. What’s more, I would bring in my wish to have a baby into any new relationship from the start and put too much pressure on a fragile new relationship. Relationships need time, space and trust to develop and I have plenty of that available……but not now. Finally, I would get very nervous from the idea to have to find a new love on short notice to be able to try to have a baby. I believe I can have a baby on my own and find a new loving and caring partner and father afterward.

So I have entered a completely new world, at least to me: the world of donors! Do I want someone I know very well, vaguely, or not at all? What kind of role do I want the donor to play the life of my child? And then, is it my child or our child? What qualifies  a donor in terms of physics, character, family history? Should I like a donor or is that totally besides the point? This week I have set steps in finding this donor by approaching people….more about that in the next post.

I strongly believe and trust that this path is right for me. I don’t think I have ever been so sure about something in my life. I think I am perfectly able, with help around me, to take care of a child on my own. Yet, this past week in which I have really taken steps was tough. It was tough to approach my closests with very impertinent and intimate questions and to actually start doing it on my own. Writing emails, reading responses and thinking about them, and having follow-up talks generated all kinds of emotions and responses. I realized I am not as strong on my feet as I thought I was. Not yet. So, I have decided to take it slow, step by step and  not to push myself to make hasty decisions when I am not ready for it. Yet, I have checked in on the journey. It has started.

Happy 2012 January 1, 2012

Goodbye 2011 and hello 2012!

Last night I was at a dinner party  where we discussed our plans for 2012. I  shared my dream to become pregnant this year but someone else mentioned  she was still looking for a 365-day project: something to work on during the entire year. That was the moment I decided to actually  start this blog today! It will not be something to work on every day but it will be my 365-day project.

2011 was the year I decided I was not willing to give up my desire to become a mother for the man I truly and deeply love. It was the year of endless pondering over solutions and alternatives. It was the year of a painful break-up, grief and loneliness and a clear realization that I am not at all where I would have wanted to be at this stage in my life. Yet, it was also the year where I took life in my own hands, made plans for me and set goals to force myself to keep focused. I even have taken a couple of first steps on this road to motherhood. Towards the end of the year, I felt I was back on my feet, be it shaky at times. I was longing to end 2011, yet in retroperspective I hope to consider it a year of  sowing.

2012 is fresh, crisp and full of promises. I want it to be my year of reaping, yet I know the sowing is not finished yet and that time between sowing and reaping is required. I need patience, yet I need to be focused, concentrated and straightforward as well. I am anxious to take the next steps on the route to…and curious to see what it will bring.2012: bring it on!

Happy 2012 to all!